


Love Is Blindness (I Don't Want to See)

by officialmaknae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, HunHan - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Past!HunHan, past!TaoRis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-07-18 22:38:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7333420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/officialmaknae/pseuds/officialmaknae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sehun is an emotional wreck with a gaping hole in his heart. Tao knows how it feels to lose someone you love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is Blindness (I Don't Want to See)

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from my AsianFanFics account, and the original can be found here: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/940559/love-is-blindness-i-don-t-want-to-see-angst-fluff-romance--taohun
> 
> There are mentions of suicide attempts so please tread carefully!

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

September 30, 2014 00:23

I found one of your shirts in my suitcase - that black one with the pocket. Do you want it back? I can mail it to you. 

 

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

September 30, 2014 00:26

Congrats on your movie, btw. You'll be great! 

 

To: Tao

From: Sehun

September 30, 2014 03:42

Are you awake? 

 

To: Sehun

From: Tao

September 30, 2014 03:43

Yeah... It's hitting you hard, huh? 

 

To: Tao

From: Sehun

September 30, 2014 03:45

Yeah.

 

* * *

 

Tao pushed open the door to Sehun's room, standing awkwardly in the door frame. Sehun was wrapped in his blankets, facing the wall, but Tao knew the maknae wasn't asleep; his breathing was too labored.

Tao stepped forward, sitting on the corner of Sehun's bed. He looked at the floor, swallowing. He'd seen Sehun like this before and he knew asking him if he was okay wouldn't do any good. Tao was the person Sehun trusted the most, but Sehun was never outright about his problems.

Tao's presence was enough.

 

* * *

 

To: Suho

From: Sehun

October 15, 2014 13:54 

I'm not feeling well. I'm not going to make it to the signing. Can you send someone to get me medicine and bring it to me?

Sehun was puking into the toilet when Tao got to the dorms. He put the stomach-settling medicine on the counter, then rubbed Sehun's back. It had become increasingly bony over the past month and a half. If he didn't start keeping food down - or eating period - the fans would notice. Some already were, which is why Sehun's public appearances were few and far in between.

When he finished, Tao handed him his toothbrush. He disappeared into the kitchen and by the time Sehun's mouth was clean, he could smell Tao cooking. His stomach rumbled in agony. It wasn't that Sehun didn't want to eat - he just couldn't keep the food down. He hated being sick to his stomach, so he decided to not eat rather than having to taste it a second time around. Tao's cooking - much to Kyungsoo's dismay - was the only thing he could keep down. It tasted like serenity and safety, something he desperately wanted.

Sehun padded into the kitchen, taking a seat on one of the stools. Tao flitted back and forth between pans, his lithe fingers spreading seaonings. When he was finished, he set a steaming plate of grilled chicken, potatoes, rice, and carrots in front of Sehun's thinning frame. The boy immediately dug in, famished. Tao watched him.

"You're letting him kill you," he said lowly.

Sehun swallowed, his eyes sharp, unforgiving.

"Then let me die."

 

* * *

 

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

November 4, 2014 19:02

Suho said you texted him and told him where you lived so he could send the shirt back. Why won't you talk to me? 

 

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

November 4, 2014 19:03

I love you, hyung. Don't you miss me? At all?

 

To: Suho

From: Luhan

November 4, 2014 19:07

Tell Sehun to stop trying to contact me or I'll file a court order. 

 

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

November 4, 2014 19:33

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. 

 

* * *

 

Another crash echoed from Sehun's room. Tao cast a look at Yixing, who shrugged. They all knew what was going on. They just didn't want to say it.

Tao knocked on the door nervously. "Sehun?"

The crashed stopped long enough for Tao to hear the lock click. He tested the door and it opened. Sehun must've had it locked. Tao slipped inside to see most of Sehun's belongings strewn all over the floor. Sehun stood in the middle of it all, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"You can't take out all your anger on your furniture."

Sehun just kind of shook his head, swallowing.

Tao calmly walked over and st on the corner of Sehun's bed, straightening his sheets.

"You know, when Wufan left, I was inconsolable. I pushed everyone away. Wufan had told me he would never leave me and that he would be there for me. He had promised me. I trusted him the most. It's stupid, but I still trust him. Just not in the same way. I trust him to make a better future for himself, because apparently a future with me wasn't enough to make him happy."

Sehun's fists weren't tense anymore; his palms were relaxed.

"I almost let my anger at him kill me at first. I felt so alone. The other members treated me like I was a child. That only made me feel more isolated. Wufan never answered my texts, never answered my calls. Then, one day, I called him, and the phone didn't ring. He disconnected the number. I guess communication with me wasn't necessary since he had revoked his contract with SM."

Tao took in a shuddering breath, like talking about it was cutting him open.

"I took a lot of pills. A lot. And I went to sleep. I was at peace. I could practically feel Wufan's arms around me, soothing me, promising he loved me, telling me everything I wanted to hear. Then I woke up in a hosptial in Hong Kong because Suho had found me." His voice was suddenly filled with malice. "He knew what I had done - he'd been waiting on it. I resented him for a while after that. He'd taken away my last chance at being happy again. No one could love me, right? So what was the point of everyone treating me like I would get better? Wufan isn't something you can heal from."

Tao wiped at his face; he didn't realize he had been crying bitter tears. He took a steady breath, trying to calm himself. Sehun, not knowing what else to do, sat down beside him, laying a hand on Tao's thigh comfortingly.

"But then I woke up one day and it took a bit longer for the realization of his absence to hurt. Not much, but it was still longer. And then, the next morning, it was longer still. I was still miserable, but at least I was slowly getting my normality back. Well, not so much as my normality as that I was getting into a pattern. The pattern made me feel better. I became more open again. I stopped hating Suho, though I never really thanked him for what he did."

Tao covered Sehun's hand with his own.

"This isn't going to break you. It feels like it is, but it won't. If I can make it through, so can you."

Sehun shook his head. "I feel like I'm dying."

"I know," Tao said, laying his head against Sehun's shoulder. "I know."

 

* * *

 

To: Suho

From: Tao

November 4, 2014 22:54

Thank you.

 

* * *

 

Sehun took even breaths, making sure to keep the rhythm of his breathing even. He could feel his pulse in his ears, the heaving beating of his heart. He'd moved away from his laptop screen five minutes ago, but he'd already seen the picture.

Tao knocked on his door. Sehun had been almost waiting for him. When he saw the picture, he'd been talking with Jongin, but promptly stopped conversation with him. Jongin immediately went to fetch Tao, the only person who seemed able to soothe the boy when he was like this.

When Sehun didn't answer, Tao came in anyway, immediately standing in front of where he sat, his long arms wrapped around Sehun, pulling his face into his chest, where Sehun began to shake with the force of keeping back tears.

"You saw it, then?" Tao asked, his heart sinking.

Sehun nodded, swallowing. "They spoke so easily to each other. How can they do that when he can't even acknowledge my existence?"

Tao closed his eyes, running his hands through Sehun's hair soothingly. He didn't know the answer to that question. How could Luhan and Wufan see each other and speak with such warmth? Why could they be friends? Why couldn't they contact their former members in the same way?

"I don't know," Tao said, giving up. "But sometimes things just don't make sense."

Tao went to his knees in front of Sehun and the blond's head went to the crook of his shoulder.

"Sehun-ah," Tao said, feeling the boy still trembling. "Sehun-ah, look at me."

Sehun's arms wound around Tao's waist to maintain a level of physical comfort, but he looked up. Tao cupped his face in his hands, leaning up and kissing his forehead.

"You're okay," Tao told him. "You're still okay"

Sehun's eyes fluttered closed and he nodded. Then he opened them and evaluated Tao with a careful gaze. "And you're okay?"

Tao thought for a moment, then he nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Good," the younger replied, the arms wrapped around Tao's sides becoming stronger and pulling Tao into a reassuring hug. The wall of muscle Tao was met with shocked him, but he relaxed. It felt nice to be held, and Sehun smelt so good.

"Is this okay?" Sehun asked hesitantly.

Tao smiled. "Yeah, this is okay."

 

* * *

 

To: Sehun

From: Tao

December 23, 2014 03:15

Where are you? Come back outside ~

 

* * *

 

Tao laid on his back in the snow, feeling the cushion of it but not the cold. His thick coat helped with that.

Sehun had gone inside to get warm and most of the other members had followed. Only Baekhyun and Kyungsoo remained, but they were on the porch holding mugs of hot chocolate. They should be asleep, but they needed a bit of fun, so they all got takeout and didn't go to sleep. It had been snowing throughout the day, so when it stopped, Tao had jumped up and had the idea of snow angels. It had soon turned into a snowball fight, but no one seemed to care.

Tao looked back at his phone. 03:18. Where was Sehun? He had said he would be back in a few minutes, but it had easily been ten since he went inside. Then he heard footsteps crunching the show and he looked up. Sehun smiled awkwardly.

"Come on," Tao beamed, patting the space next to him. "You haven't made an angel yet."

Sehun's face was already pink with the cold. Tao wondered if he had a low tolerance to it, but he didn't have much room to talk; he was pink as well.

"I don't know how," Sehun said quietly.

Tao propped up on his elbow. "What do you mean, you don't know how?"

Sehun shrugged. "I don't know how."

"Well, come here," Tao instructed, standing. "Lay here."

Sehun followed his directions, placing his hands and feet where Tao said; before long, he had a perfectly formed snow angel.

Tao clapped his hands in approval, nodding and laughing enthusiastically.

"See? It's not tha - "

Before he could get his sentence out, something collided with the side of his foot hard enough to ruin his balance, making him fall into the snow. When he sad back up, Sehun was laughing.

"Did you do that?" Tao asked.

"Do what?" The maknae asked innocently.

"Oh, you asshole!"

Tao slung snow at him, but Sehun blocked it. Determined to get his revenge, Tao crawled over, throwing one of his legs over Sehun's waist. He took a handful of snow and raised it high above his head as if it were a dagger about to be plunged into a sacrifice.

"Say sorry to your hyung," Tao said, light humor in his eyes.

"No."

Sehun's hands fastened on Tao's legs where thigh met hip. He smirked.

"Sehun! Say you're sorry!"

"I'm sorry, Tao-ge," Sehun said lowly, his voice wrapped around the term like silk. Tao turned even more red as he lowered the snow. He suddenly became aware of their position.

"I - Uh - Yeah," he managed. "That's what I thought."

Sehun sat up, keeping his hands were they were and coming face-to-face with the dark-haired boy.

For a moment,  he explored Tao's eyes with his own, but then he kissed him. Tao's lips were cold against his, but they were still lush and smooth. He tasted a bit like oranges. Tao's lips reciprocated the movement in earnest, and even though they were both wearing thick coats, the heart rate coming from their chests were easily felt.

Sehun was the first to pull away. He looked flushed and embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that."

"I do, "Tao said, pushing the back of Sehun's head forward so that their lips could meet again.

Sehun's mouth was proving itself to be exceedingly good at kissing. He knew how to time his moments just right, the trace of his tongue on the bottom of Tao's lips on the brink of being too much before he pulled it back. Tao hated to admit it, but he was becoming a mess in Sehun's hold.

When they pulled away the second time, they were somewhat breathless. Tao felt giddy, and if Sehun did, he didn't show it; he just wore a smirk on those oh-so-kissable lips that Tao felt himself going for aga -

"Sehun! Tao!" Baekhyun called from the door. "It's getting too cold! Come in before you get sick!"

"Be right there!" Sehun said back.

They both got up and went inside. Baekhyun shot them dirty glances, but Tao was the only one affected, turning a new shade of scarlet.

"Stop it, Umma," Sehun said, rolling his eyes.

"Respect your hyung," Baekhyun said in reply.

"Yes, ma'am," Sehun replied, but under his breath this time.

 

* * *

 

Sehun's mouth clumsily met Tao's as they scrambled onto his bed. Tao was already reaching for Sehun's jeans, the maknae's tongue ruthlessly fighting with his driving him wild. Sehun tasted like too many shots; Tao was sure he didn't taste much better. They had both ingested a fair amount of alcohol, but it was New Year's Eve, so fuck it.

Sehun sucked bruises into Tao's neck as the older pushed down his jeans. Sehun's tongue traced around the fresh contusions, making Tao's movements stutter as his had leaned back and his spine arched. Sehun took this opportunity to slide his hands up Tao's shirt to remove the article of clothing. Then he ran his lips down the boy's tannest just before kissing his way back up. Tao had abandoned his attempt at removing Sehun's jeans; they rested at the middle of his thighs. His dick could be seen through his underwear and Tao swallowed nervously.

Sehu propped himself on his knees, leaning over Tao as he stared up at hum, his eyes hazy and unfocused. The younger's hand traveled to the fasten of Tao's jeans, unbuttoning, then sliding his hand in his underwear, wrapping his hand around Tao's half-hard shaft. Tao's knees went weak when Sehun's hand started pumping, his thumb running over the crown of his cock as it became fully hard in his grasp.

Tao bit his lip, whimpering as his eyes fluttered closed. Sehun smirked, adjusting his grip for optimal pleasure as he watched Tao squirm beaneath him.

"S- _Sehun-ah_ ," he moaned. "Quit t-teasing."

"What was that?" Sehun asked, moving his ear close to Tao's mouth, his smirk growing.

"Don't tease," Tao repeated more firmly, but his voice was still wobbly. He could barely think straight because of Sehun's hand, steadily moving up and down.

But then it stopped, and Tao was so torn between being relieved and disappointment that he didn't realize Sehun was talking to him.

"Huh?" He asked.

"I told you to lift your hips," Sehun said patiently.

Tao did so, and he slid his jeans off. He slowly removed Tao's boxers, giving him time to say no if he wanted. Tao felt himself turning red - honestly, being naked in front of someone was humiliating - so he focused himself on the prior tast of stripping Sehun. The boy's shirt disappeared, then his jeans, and the second Tao had removed his underwear, Sehun grabbed onto his hips, turning them over. Tao's legs were now on either side of Sehun's waist, his arms supporting himself beside the blond's head.

Tao's mouth went dry at the sudden intimacy. Sehun leaned up and gace him a soothing kiss, his hand reaching for something out of Tao's vision. As Sehun's mouth eased Tao's open, he heard a bottle cap pop open, then felt Sehun's fingers, slick with lub,e prodding at his hole. When the first finger gained entry, Tao moaned into Sehun's open mouth, his stomach coiling up. It had been almost a year since he had had sex, but he realized how much he missed it. Another one of Sehun's fingers slipped in, going to the knuckle, and Tao's hips tensed.

" _Fuck_ ," he gapsed, sitting up at bit so Sehun could angle his fingers correctly to hit that one spot that would make Tao completely pliant.

The pads of Sehun's fingers quickly found it, scissoring against Tao's sensitive prostate. Tao's ass started to push back against them, his mouth letting out submissive mewls of pleasure. Sehun found the noises intoxicating, his own member seeming to throb in anticipation of having the black-haired boy sink onto him. He toyed with Tao a bit more, then removed his fingers. Tao sat up, grabbing the bottle of lube, and smearing some into his hand. He scooted back a bit to grab Sehun's neglected prick in his warm hand, the cold shock of the lube making Sehun jerk a bit, causing Tao to giggle. He made sure to give Sehun's cock an even layer of the stuff, pumping it a few times for good measure, or maybe it was because he liked the feel of Sehun in his hands.

He released him, moving back to his former position on top of Sehun, and Sehun put his hands on Tao's waist, steadying him as Tao lowered himself down onto Sehun's dick. He felt the head of it stretch him open deliciously, the beautiful pain shooting even into the tips of his fingers. He got halfway down, wondering if Sehun's length ever ended.

"Oh my god," Tao managed, his breathing all messed up from even trying to take all of Sehun. "I don't think I _c-can_."

"Yes, you can," Sehun insisted, pushing his hips down onto him, watching at more of his cock disappeared into Tao. Tao arched his back, gasping, and the new angle allowed the rest to slide in.

"Oh, _fuck_ ," Tao murmured. "Christ, that feels so good."

Sehun commanded his hips, letting Tao know that even though he was on top, he was still calling the shots. He started out slowly, let Tao adjust, and he had to admit, he was amazed that Tao could get everything in; his hole was almost virgin-tight. Yet, he clearly wasn't one, not with the way he was already begging for Sehun to be rougher with him, to make his body scream.

"Pl- _ea_ -ease!" Tao whispered hoarsely, his voice being cut off with the force he was coming down onto Sehun's body. He was practically bouncing, which only made it more intense for him. Sehun was hitting his prostate with every thrust, and his knees already felt like jelly. His other bones were slowly starting to mimic liquid as well.

Sehun watched the process. Tao's mouth was agape, ragged breaths being taken in between his lush lips, a slight sheen of sweat gleaming on his forehead. He was so eager to get off, but he hadn't touched himself.

"Touch yourself," Sehun said, rolling his hips up into Tao, making the boy lean back and groan. Since when had the boy's movements been so accurate?

His hand immediately went to his shaft, pumping uncontrollably. It was like Tao had an IV dripping pleasure straight into his brain. His body was coiling up, he could feel himself losing grip on reality. Oh, God, he wanted to cum so badly.

Sehun felt the tell-tale contractions starting to happen around his shaft; his gaze flickered to Tao's face, completely lit up in euphoria.

"Cum for me, Tao," Sehun told him, molding Tao's hips into his own in such a way Tao felt like he was seeing stars. "Say my name."

" _Sehun_ , oh, _fuck_!" Tao rasped, pleasure seeming to resonate from Sehun, seeping into the older's body everywhere they touched. He felt the coils in his body snap, spunk spurting onto Sehun's chest and his own hand. 

The choking of Tao's inner walls around his dick made Sehun go wild with satisfaction, on the edge of his own orgasm. After two more thrusts, he pulled out of Tao, pumping himself to completion on Tao's lower stomach.

Tao slid off of him, going to the bathroom for a damp rag, and returning to sit beside Sehun on the bed. He had already cleaned the cum off of his own body, so he ran the cloth on Sehun's chest to clean him as well. Sehun caught Tao's wrist when he was done, pulling him down to kiss his lips. Tao blushed, turning his face away. Sehun reached up and cupped his cheek, turning his face back towards him.

"Don't be shy around me," he said, his eyes locked on his hand, where his fingers had begun to stroke the soft skin underneath them.

Tao glanced to the clock on the nightstand. 00:03.

"Happy New Year, Sehun-ah," he said, putting the rag on the bedside table and curling up on Sehun's chest. Sehun's arms wrapped around him, holding him like the entire fate of the universe was in him.

"Happy New Year, Tao-yah," he replied, moving one of his hands to the back of Tao's head to play in his soft hair.

 

* * *

 

"Tao-yah!" Sehun called from the living area.

"What?" He called back, doing someting in a back room.

"Satansoo took my phone!"

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, continuing to guess Sehun's password. His eyes widened as the device began to ring.

"Here," Kyungsoo said, holding it out hesitantly. The second it was in Sehun's palm, he fled the room, going into his room and shutting the door.

Sehun looked down, reading the caller ID, a name that made his heart stutter.

With trembling fingers, he pressed the 'Accept Call' button.

 

* * *

 

Months. It had been monthes since Luhan talked to him. What made him think it was okay to call him out of the blue like that?

Sehun wanted to think he was drunk, but Luhan had never been one for alcohol and he spoke clearly. He was the one who could barely get out legitimate sentences back. Luhan had seemed so calm, so collected, as he talked about a trip he was going to take to Incheon, and if Sehun would meet him there. Luhan said they needed to talk, to which Sehun had replied, "I tried to talk to you, Luhan."

" _But you don't understand. If I had talked to you then, it would have only made things difficult for us. I would have wanted to take you back immediately, and we can't afford that kind of attention_."

"Take me back? Take _me_ back? What, am I supposed to apologize to you? You're the one who should be begging for me to to give you a second chance. You can take Incheon and shove it up your ass. I know how much you like to have stuff up it."

Whatever response Luhan had was cut off by Sehun ending the call.

 

* * *

 

"We're going to end up hurting ourselves doing this," Tao said, sitting up on the side of Sehun's bed and slipping his shirt back on. Sehun watched his waist twist as he wiggled it down.

"What? Are you really kinky or something?" Sehun smiled, laughing at his own joke.

Tao smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "No, Sehun, I mean if we keep being like this."

"But I like this," Sehun said, his face falling a bit. "I like you."

"I like you, too, Sehun, but that's the problem," Tao said slowly. "I don't want to fall in love again. I thought Wufan was going to be my all, my forever. Losing him nearly killed me. Going through something like that again will do bad things to my head."

"If you think I'm just going to up and leave like he did, you're wrong."

"I wouldn't care if you left," Tao said. "I'd care if you didn't talk to me after. I'd care if you didn't tell me before."

"You need to trust me," Sehun said. "Please trust me, Tao-yah."

Tao shook his head. "I can't."

 

* * *

 

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

February 27, 2015 23:02

I'll meet you in Incheon.

 

* * *

 

Sehun ran his hand through his hair; it was back to brown now and it had been blond for so long he had forgotten what the near-natural color looked like. All the other members had recieved the new style with compliments, except Tao. Tao didn't say anything. He didn't really talk to Sehun much these days, not after leaving his room two weeks ago. Sehun wouldn't admit it, but he missed him terribly. He missed the way he smelt, the way he tasted like oranges, and how the crown of his head seemed to fit perfectly in the crook of his neck. But Sehun understood how Tao felt. So he wasn't going to make him do something he didn't want to do. He respected him and cared too much for him to do that.

He looked around the coffee shop, looking for any sign of Luhan. He wasn't sure what was going to come out of this, but he needed something to get his mind off of Tao, even if it was the thing that drove him towards the boy in the first place.

"Hi," a voice said, and when Sehun looked up, he was met with the sight of the man that had made his life hell for the past months. Sehun didn't know why, but he stood up, showing respect to Luhan as he sat down. His hair was black now, making him look older, more professional. Sehun didn't know if he liked that or not.

"How have you been?" Luhan asked, smiling.

"Alright," he said politely. "How about you?"

"Good," he laughed quietly. "Things have been good for me." He looked up into Sehun's eyes, taking him in. "You dyed your hair."

"Yeah," Sehun said, touching it self-consciously. "So have you."

Luhan nodded shortly. "It looks nice on you, but then again, every hairstyle does."

"Thank you," he replied, feeling a lot like he was walking on eggshells. "I needed a change."

"I get that," Luhan agreed. "You've lost weight."

Sehun made an arrogant expression, anger bubbling up in his chest, but he held it back. "Yeah, that happens when I'm under stress."

Luhan took the hint, avoiding that subject. "How are the other members?"

"Great," Sehun mused. "They're great. I mean, after Wufan left, it was bad, but you? You weren't even a leader."

Luhan flinched, eyes averting Sehun's accusing glare. "I'm not here to make enemies, Sehun."

"Then what _are_ you here for?" Sehun inquired, scooting closer to the table. "Tell me, please." He positioned his hand underneath his chin like a student would do in class. "I'm all ears."

Luhan looked as though he couldn't make the words come out. "I-I miss you."

This was an answer Sehun was not expecting. He was prepared for all kind of reasons, but not this one, not one so blatantly full of shit.

But was it a lie?

"You miss me?" He asked sincerely.

Sehun looked up and for a second he saw Tao sitting in front of him, cheeks red and embarrassed, but then he blinked and Luhan was back. Sehun felt his heart sink a bit at reality.

Luhan nodded. "Yes. I do."

 

* * *

 

To: Sehun

From: Luhan

March 16, 2015 00:13

Thank you for seeing me tonight, Sehunnie<3 

 

* * *

 

Sehun got back to the dorms sometime around half-past twelve. His mouth still tasted like Luhan, his shoulders aching with the marks he had left with what nails he had. Sehun know he shouldn't have done it, he shouldn't have fucked Luhan, but Luhan was familiar, someone he knew how to deal with, someone he was  _used_  to. But of course, he still felt like shit, and he realized how much he hated the way Luhan called him 'Sehunnie'. He wasn't eight years old.

I guess this meant he was truly over Luhan. Instead of feeling like he was whole again, he felt as though another chunk had been taken out. He was full of guilt, because he knew he didn't have feelings for Luhan anymore, and the only reason he slept with Luhan was to run from the feelings that had been steadily forming since the night Tao sat with him in his room.

 _Fuck my life_ , he thought.

"Busy night?" Someone asked from the couch. The TV was on, Sehun noticed, flipped over to some sort of sitcom rerun.

Tao blinked at him, taking in his disheveled state.

"Something like that," he said quietly, feeling a lot like a kid coming in after their curfew.

The TV clicked off and Tao stood, walking over to Sehun. They were eye-to-eye. Sehun saw that Tao's eyes were red and he felt his stomach pull. Tao lifted a hand, hesitating, then touched Sehun's lips with his fingers. Sehun could feel him shaking.

"And you had the nerve to ask for my trust," Tao breathed, his voice wavering. He smiled, but it was sad. He took his hand back, dropping it limply to his side.

"Tao-yah, please," Sehun begged, reaching out for the hand, but Tao stepped back. "I love you."

Tao shook his head slowly. "I wish you did."

He turned and went to his room. Sehun watched him go, frozen where he stood.

 

* * *

 

To: Sehun

From: Luhan

March 18, 2015 14:25

I miss you already

 

To: Sehun

From: Luhan

March 19, 2015 12:57

I'm going to be in Seoul next week. Do you want to go out again? 

 

To: Sehun

From: Luhan

March 20, 2015 15:38

Sehun? 

 

To: Luhan

From: Sehun

March 20, 2015 17:59

Never contact me again.

 

* * *

 

Sehun put another peppermint in his mouth, sucking on it. It was now well past midnight but he couldn't sleep. He couldn't stand knowing that Tao was mad at him, knowing that he was hurt. Eventually, he got up from his bed, opened his door, and walked down the hall towards Tao's room. He felt anxiety build up in his throat, his nerves going into a frenzy. He stood at his door for a few solid minutes until he got the guts to knock. He hoped Tao wasn't sleeping, but he knew he wasn't. Would he act like he was?

The door opened, Tao peeking around it. His blond hair - newly dyed - was messy, like he had been running his hands through it nonstop.

"S-Sehun," he said, looking surprised. "It's late, what - "

"Listen to me," Sehun interrupted, pushing his way into Tao's room and turning to look at him once he had reached the center. "Just hear me out, alright?"

Tao watched him, closing he door. "Okay."

"I don't want to lose you," Sehun started, pushing his hair away from his face. "I can't stand the thought of losing you. I know you know I was with Luhan last week, and yeah, I fucked him, but I was so screwed in the head from you pushing me away that I didn't know what to do. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I don't want Luhan. I don't want anything to do with Luhan. I want you, and I know you're scared of falling in love again, but Tao, I swear to God I would kill myself before I put you through any more pain. I know no words I say to you can make up for what I did, but I'm asking you to at least be honest with me about how you're feeling." He looked Tao in the eyes. "I am so hopelessly in love with you that I want to scream, because I am terrified of you pushing me away. I can't stand not being around you anymore. I fucking miss you."

"Sehun, I - " Tao closed his mouth, not knowing what to say to him. "I'm scared of how I feel about you. I don't want to feel this way."

"Why?" Sehun asked, coming towards him and holding his face in his hands. "Why won't you let yourself love me?"

"Because love is blindness, Sehun," he said desperately.

Sehun swallowed. "Then I don't want to see."

His mouth landed on Tao's and the citrus taste rose up in his throat, his body gladly welcoming the feeling of Tao's lips. It was like all the voices in his head ceased when he was touching Tao, everything telling him he wasn't good enough went away. He knew he was good enough, Tao had instilled that in him.

"Tell me you love me," Tao gasped when Sehun's mouth went to his neck, his hands sliding up his Sehun's back.

"I love you," Sehun murmured against his skin. The words sent chills up Tao's spine, making him frantic for Sehun.

They barely made it to the bed, tearing at each other's clothes. Sehun was eager to make Tao make those beautiful noises he always did during sex, but this wasn't sex, this was something new to him: making love. And it was so wonderful, because he loved the way Tao didn't want to stop kissing him, he loved how Tao cursed gracefully in his hold. The curse words were too gentle-sounding coming from the boy's precious mouth to be considered offensive to anyone, he was sure, because Tao had to be some kind of angel. Tao was too much, too full of absolutely unaltered life, to be seen as something carnal. He was everything to Sehun, and he treated him as such, kissing the point on his neck where his pulse was the strongest, holding Tao's hand during the act and feeling a rush of nerves when Tao clenched hard on it when he came.

Afterwards, Tao laid on top of him, his full weight on Sehun, but Sehun didn't mind. He ran his fingers down the indent of Tao's spine, admiring the sleekness of his body. He was so strong, but so fragile. Sehun never wanted to leave his side.

"I'm going to let myself love you, Sehun-ah," Tao said, his eyes closed. "I won't mind being blind if I have you with me."

Sehun's heart sped up, and he smiled. His chest felt lighter than it had in weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> HAAA GUESS WHO'S CHEESY AND STILL REALLY BAD WITH ENDINGS. SPOILER: IT'S ME.
> 
> Not proofread, I think you guys know that by now I don't like to proofread my stuff. No but I hope you enjoyed. The fic was kinda based off the song Love Is Blindness by Jack White. It's a really good song. Anyways, please give me criticisms and tell me if you liked it or not. I've been working on this for like five hours straight. Why can't I write decent fics in a decent amount of time. Kms.
> 
> ^ HONESTLY PAST ME CRACKS ME THE FUCK UP.


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